I
see
I see!
I see all the gods in your body! I see the Grandfather Shaper seated on a lotus, and all the rishis, and the divine nagas. I see you everywhere—nothing is beyond you! I see your infinite body with many arms, trunks, faces, and innumerable glittering eyes. I cannot see the end nor the beginning.
I see you crowned with light, holding a mace and a discus, shining, oh shining shining—a splendor greater than the Sun! Than a thousand Suns! You are the eternal, the One, the ultimate home of all beings. You are the foundation of dharma; you are the original essence. I see! I believe!
I see you with infinite arms reaching in all directions. The Sun and Moon are your eyes, your mouth is a fire blazing up to burn all the worlds. You pervade all of space, O marvelous, O terrible, O Great Being!
All the hosts of the gods enter your body in rivers of light. The crowds of seers and yogis praise you and weep! All the divine beings look upon you in wonder. Seeing your vast form with so many mouths and eyes, arms and legs, feet and hands, bellies and teeth, O Krishna, the whole world trembles, and so do I.
“Seeing you touching the sky, shining with all the colors, with your mouths wide open and eyes full of fire, my heart is filled with fear and I feel neither courage nor serenity. Your mouths full of teeth are burning like the fires of the final destruction. Have mercy, refuge of the universe! I can see all the sons of Dhritarashtra, and all the kings of the Earth, Bhishma, Drona, and Karna, and all our own warriors, rushing into your mouths. I see them mangled between your teeth, I see them sticking out between your teeth, their heads crushed! Like rivers into the ocean all the armies of men pour into your burning mouths! All the worlds rush into your hungry mouths like moths into a fire and are consumed. You lick up all the worlds with your flaming tongues, you devour them. The rays of light streaming from your body are burning everything. O Vishnu!
“Who are you? Have mercy, tell me what you really are, for I no longer recognize you!”
Then the Blessed One said,
“I am Time, the all-eater. I have emerged to obliterate the worlds. Yes, even if you do nothing, all these warriors will perish. So rise up and fight! Aspire to greatness and, conquering all your enemies, enjoy your kingdom! I have already slain everyone—be the mere instrument, my mighty archer! Bhishma, Drona, Jayadratha, Karna, and all these other heroes are already dead. Do not hesitate. Fight! Slay! You will annihilate them all.”
The voice came from everywhere and nowhere. It fell from the sky and rose up from the Earth, and it rang clear in Arjuna's own mind. The son of Kunti felt ripples of horripilation rushing over his body. He pressed his palms together and bowed his head, his body and mind overcome with fear.
“Oh God,” said Arjuna, his voice faltering over every word, “the whole world celebrates you. Evil flees from you and the seers bow down to you, for you are the original Creator, before even Brahma. You are the abode of the universe—all that exists, all that does not exist, and that which is beyond both. You are the first God, the most ancient, the treasure-house of all that is. You are the one who knows and you are that which is known, and all this is pervaded by you alone, Lord of infinite forms. I bow to you again and again. You are wind and fire, death and all the waters of life! And I, blinded and deluded, thought of you as my friend! Lord, whatever I said rashly, when I called you Krishna, or Yadava, or comrade, as if you were an ordinary friend, if ever I have insulted you through confusion, or even with affection, if I ever disrespected you while at play, or resting, seated, or when we ate together, alone or with others, I ask your forgiveness. You are the father of all moving and unmoving things. You are the adorable, the guru of us all! There is nothing like you in all the three worlds. Forgive me, please, as a father forgives his son, as a friend forgives his friend, as a lover forgives his beloved, have mercy! Seeing you in all your splendor I am overjoyed, and at the same time I am terrified and I cannot find any peace. Please, show me again that gentle form in which you first appeared.”
Then that vast, all-pervading light dimmed and the form which filled the entire universe retracted into itself, diminishing, fading as the stars fade before the coming of morning. Arjuna saw the four-armed Vishnu, deep and dark and adorned with all the jewels of the Earth and pearls of the sea, holding mace and discus, and then he saw only Krishna, as he had known him before. The dark Vrishni stood before him smiling affectionately, holding the reins in one hand, and Arjuna’s heart beat hard from wonder.
“Arjuna,” said Krishna, “no one but you has ever seen my universal form. It cannot be seen through Vedic sacrifices, nor through rituals of any kind. Neither the most virtuous nor the most penitent can see it. Even the gods long to behold me like that. Do not be afraid or confused. Set your heart at ease. I have shown you all of this because I love you. Only through devotion can I be known as I truly am, Arjuna. One who does all work for me, who considers me the ultimate source, who is devoted to me, free from desire, and has no ill-will toward any other being, sees me and enters into me.”
Arjuna’s heart was indeed at ease, hearing his old friend’s voice and seeing his face again. Yet his mouth was still dry, his body still trembled, and he was not sated with Krishna’s voice.
“What is the best way?” Arjuna asked. “Who is the real yogi—one who worships you in form, or one who worships the invisible?”
“Both will eventually come to me,” said the Blessed One, “but the difficulty is greater for those who worship the formless, for it is very hard for an embodied being to attain that which has no body. But those who focus all their devotion on me come to me quickly and easily, and I lift them up from birth and death. Keep your thoughts always on me and you will dwell in me always. There is no doubt of this. Or, if you are unable to think only of me, then seek me through the practice of yoga. Or, if you are unable to practice that discipline, then do all your work for me, offering up your actions for my sake, and you will still attain me. And if you are unable to do even that, then resort to devotion and, asking always for my aid, practice a little self-restraint. Knowledge is better than practice, and meditation is better than knowledge, and giving up the fruits of actions is better still than meditation, for once those fruits are given up, peace immediately follows.
“One who hates nobody, who is friendly and compassionate to all, who is without attachment to possessions and has no sense of ‘I’ and ‘mine’ at all, who is patient, constant in pain or in pleasure, who is contented and satisfied with what is given, who is disciplined and steady in faith, whose mind and intellect are fixed on me, and who is my devotee, such a person is very dear to me. One who does not trouble the world and is not troubled by the world, who is free from agitation, jealousy, fear, and uneasiness, is also very dear to me. One who is free from desires and anxieties, pure and able, who has relinquished all work and devoted himself to me, of him I am very fond. One who has neither celebration nor hatred, who neither mourns nor wants, who has given up both good and evil and become permeated by devotion, is very dear to me indeed. One who makes no distinction between enemy and friend, who behaves the same way when praised as when denigrated, alike in cold and heat and pleasure and pain, who clings to nothing, who is quiet and content with anything at all, who has no house and keeps a steady mind, is also dear to me. All those who live by dharma and have faith in me are surpassingly dear to me.”
Arjuna said, “I wish to know from you of the field of action and the knower of the field. It seems, and the sages say it is so, that there is the experience and the one who experiences, the knowledge and the one who knows. What are these in truth?”
“This very body,” said the Blessed One, “is the field of experience, and the one who is embodied is the knower of this field. But I too am the knower of this field in all fields. I am the embodied in all bodies. Let me show you the nature of this field and the knower. The field is composed of these things: the five elements, the five senses of perception and the five faculties of action, the five objects of the senses, the intellect and the sensation of ‘I’ which causes identification with all of these. This is the field, which is the body, which experiences desire and aversion, health and disease. Now, true knowledge consists of these: humility, absence of hypocrisy, nonviolence, patience, honesty, service to one’s teacher, integrity, stability, discipline, indifference to sense objects and lack of any ‘I’ sense, remembrance of the woes attaching to birth and death, freedom from clinging to children, spouse, home, and all of that, a tranquil, even mind when the desired thing occurs and also when the undesired thing occurs. These qualities of knowledge are cultivated by devotion, by single-pointed yoga, by going often to secluded places and by dislike for crowds of people, by perpetual trust in one’s insight into Supreme Reality, and by always keeping one’s goal in mind. All of this is actual knowledge. Ignorance is what goes against this.
“Here is that insight which will take you beyond death. It is the beginningless Brahman, which is said to be beyond cause and effect. That one stands with hands and feet everywhere, eyes, ears, heads, and faces everywhere, enveloping all things. Illuminating all the senses yet free from their influence, attached to nothing yet all-sustaining, free from qualities and yet experiencing the qualities, both inside and outside of all beings, all things moving and unmoving, far away and at the same time very near, that Brahman surpasses comprehension. Though this appears to be divided amongst living beings, this is in reality undivided. This is the preserver, the creator, and the all-eater. This is the light of lights beyond all darkness. It is knowing, that which is known, and that which is gained by knowing. It abides in the hearts of all. It is undiluted awareness, the knower of the field.
“My devotee who understands the field, knowledge, and the object of knowledge, attains my own state of being. Know this, Arjuna: material nature and the awareness—the self—that pervades it are both beginningless. All the various fluctuations of the field, all its qualities too, spring forth from material nature. This material nature—this field—is the realm from which arise causes and effects, while the self is the realm from which arises the experience of these; for the self, situated in the field of material nature, experiences all these fluctuations and qualities. It is the attachment to the qualities that causes birth.
“The deepest self which witnesses all and chooses is called the support, the experiencer, the Supreme Reality, and also the Blessed Lord. One who discerns the nature of self, nature, and the qualities, is not born again, no matter what heavy load of karma clings to him. Some discern the self in the self by means of meditation, others by studying the logic of the Sankhya system, others by the practice of offering up all actions as sacrifice. Even those who have not understood this insight and yet, because they have been so instructed, worship the Blessed Lord—they too go beyond death at last. Any being that is born, that comes into being, moving or unmoving, comes from the union of the field and the knower of the field. If you can see the Lord abiding alike in all beings and yet not dying when they die, then you will see in truth. Seeing the same Lord everywhere you will reach the ultimate aim. One who sees that all actions are performed only by the fluctuations of material nature, and so understands that the self does nothing at all, sees truth. When he realizes that all the manifold modes of being rest in the One, from that place alone emerging, then he reaches Brahman. The eternal self, without beginning or end, even though abiding in the body, does nothing and is unstained by any action. Just as space fills and is filled by all and yet is never polluted, so the self is untouched even residing in the body. Just as the Sun illuminates all the world, so the knower of the field illuminates the field, my Arjuna. Those who perceive with the eye of insight the difference between the field and its knower are liberated.
“Now let me speak to you of that knowledge which, once fully comprehended, results in identification with me. Those who take refuge in this knowledge are never born, nor do they die. This Brahman is my womb, and in it I place my seed: this is the origin of all beings. Whatever shape is birthed from any womb, Brahman is the womb of that and I am the seed-giving father. At birth the three qualities—sattva, rajas, and tamas—bind the eternal self in the body. The quality of sattva, which is luminous and wholesome and pure, binds by attachment to virtue and attachment to wisdom. The quality of rajas, which is passionate and increases in desire and attachment, binds the embodied one by attachment to action. The quality of tamas, which is ignorance and deludes all beings, binds with tight bonds of confusion, indolence, and drowsiness. Sattva causes attachment to happiness, rajas attachment to action, and tamas, covering knowledge with a heavy veil, causes attachment to delusion. In some beings sattva is dominant, in other rajas, and in others tamas. When the luminosity of profound insight shines through all the gates of the body, then sattva is dominant. When rajas dominates there is restlessness, desire, exertion, greed, and the commencement of activity. When tamas dominates, then inertia, darkness, carelessness, and confusion set in.
“When an embodied being dies under the influence of sattva then he goes on to the purest worlds. In the same way, one who dies while rajas is dominant goes to birth again amongst those attached to action and one who dies under tamas’ influence is reborn amongst the confused. It is said that the fruit of all action that is well done is sattvic and stainless, while the fruit of rajasic action is pain, and tamasic action leads to ignorance. Insight is born of sattva, desire of rajas, and ignorance is of tamas. Those in sattva rise, those in rajas remain, and those in tamas descend, but when the seer sees that all actions are only the result of these qualities and knows that which is beyond all three, then he reaches my being. Beyond the three qualities rests the deathless, without birth or death, old age or pain.”
“How can I know,” asked Arjuna, “if someone I meet is beyond these qualities? How does such a person act? And how does one go beyond?”
“Such a person,” said the Blessed One, “desires not, nor is he averse to the presence or the absence of illumination, activity, or ignorance. One who is set apart and is undisturbed, thinking only, ‘This or that event is merely the interaction of the qualities,’ and who is unwavering in this insight, to whom pleasure and pain are equal, to whom the lump of dirt and the lump of gold are equal, to whom the beloved and and the hated are equal, to whom praise or denigration are equal, to whom fame and shame are equal, who sides neither with friend nor foe, and who gives up all activities is then free from the qualities. Yes, and one who serves me with steady devotion, beyond the qualities, is ready to be absorbed in Brahman, for I myself am the foundation of Brahman, of the immortal unalterable, of eternal dharma, and of absolute bliss.
“It is said that there is an undying ashwattha tree who grows with roots in the heavens and branches toward the Earth, whose leaves are the Vedas. The tree’s branches, sustained by the three qualities, reach down and spread, and the twigs of this tree are the numberless sense objects. The roots which sprout from its branches reach down and create action in the human realm. The form of this tree cannot be comprehended here in this world—not its end nor its beginning nor its middle. Cutting this tree with the honed blade of non-attachment, one becomes disentangled from the worldly and then seeks that place from whence none return, that primordial refuge from which all creation poured forth of old. Cleansed of arrogance and ignorance, resting in the Self, with all desires curbed, liberated from the duality of pleasure and pain, the clear-sighted go to that ultimate place. That is my imperishable home, where neither Sun nor Moon nor fire illuminate. Those who reach there never return to the world.
“A tiny fragment of me becomes the eternal self in this world of the living and clothes itself with the five senses and the mind. Like the wind carrying fragrances the eternal self carries these senses in subtle form from birth to birth. Perceiving through the senses, the fragment of God experiences the sense objects, and when He departs, remains, or enjoys these objects, the confused do not perceive Him. Only those with the eye of insight can see Him in all these manifestations. The yogis strive and eventually see Him, but those who do not understand cannot see Him, no matter how much they strive.
“That radiance which is in the Sun, the Moon, and in fire is mine. Entering this world I nourish all things with my energy. I become the soma and the juice of the plants. I become the fire of digestion and reside in all living beings, digesting all food. Entering the hearts of all beings I engender memory and wisdom, and forgetting and delusion. I am the only subject of the Vedas. I am the final knowledge.
“In this world beings are of two types: the perishable and the eternal. All beings perish; only the unchanging is eternal. But the Supreme Reality is again beyond this. It is the self which enters the three worlds as God and so sustains them. Since I am beyond both the perishable and the eternal, I am the Supreme Reality of which the Vedas speak. Once awakened to this truth, Arjuna, a person is filled with wisdom and performs all duties according to dharma.
“These are the qualities of those born for divine purpose: bravery, pure heartedness, perseverance on the wisdom-path, generosity, self-restraint, sacrifice, study of sacred words, penitence, righteousness, nonviolence, honesty, tranquility, renunciation, serenity, aversion to criticizing others, compassion for all, desirelessness, sweetness, modesty, steadiness, vigor, patience, inner strength, the absence of hatred and the absence of pride. The qualities of those born for diabolical purposes are hypocrisy, haughtiness, pride, anger, harshness in speech and behavior, and abiding ignorance. One destiny leads to liberation and the other to deeper bondage, so they say. But do not worry, Arjuna; you are born for a divine purpose!
“Much I have spoken about the divine. Now hear something of its opposite. Demonic people know not when to act nor when to refrain. They are without purity, good conduct, and honesty. They speak in this way: ‘The world has no truth, no ultimate, no God. All is brought about by procreation alone.’ Such lost selves, with small intelligence, act always for the world’s destruction. Ever fixated on their desires, swollen with pride and hypocrisy, believing false and convoluted ideas, their work is always stained by unworthy ends and despicable means and leads only to anxiety and death. With desire-satiation as their single aim they are bound by the snare-wires of their aspirations into hoarding up wealth for the continuous gratification of the senses.
“‘I have this and I will obtain this. This is mine and this too shall be mine. I have slain my enemies and will slay more besides, for I alone am the lord, the enjoyer and the doer; I am accomplished, successful, mighty and happy, rich and high-born. None are my equal. I will sacrifice, I will give, I will celebrate!’ So they blather, deluded by their profound ignorance. Led astray by their desires they stumble into torment. Puffed up with the arrogance attendant on success and wealth they make sacrifices in form only, without following the rules of the scriptures, with hypocritical intent. They cling to the ‘I’ sense, to power and insolence, to lust and anger, and they grow to hate me, in their own bodies and in others. I hurl them again and again into the wombs of demons and they fall lower and lower. Listen, these are the three gates of hell: lust, anger, and greed. Let go of these three and all is achieved, for when these three are gone one approaches truth. One whose every act is governed by desire, casting aside the wisdom of the scriptures, never comes close to liberation. Therefore, with the ancient scriptures as your guide, do what must be done.”
“But,” said Arjuna, “those who sacrifice without following the scriptures and are yet full of faith, what is their destiny?”
“The faith of the embodied is of three types,” said the Blessed One. “These are according to the qualities of sattva, rajas, and tamas. All humanity is made of faith. One’s nature follows from one’s faith. Those of a sattvic disposition worship the gods, while those dominated by rajas worship spirits and demons and those of tamasic nature worship the hordes of ghouls and ghosts. Those who push their bodies to the limit with intense penances, without reference to tradition, driven by ego and desire, torturing their bodies and myself, as I reside in their bodies, are of demonic intentions. Indeed all things in this world correspond to the three qualities, even food. That food which is life-giving and healthy, promoting strength, happiness, and satiation, which is pleasant-tasting, smooth, and easily digestible, is full of sattva. Foods which are excessively bitter, sour, salty, or spicy, too acidic or dry, and cause sicknesses of the body, are very much desired by rajasic people. Food which is stale and flavorless or even rotten is very full of tamas. Offerings which are made without desire for any return but only motivated by what is right for the moment, and which hew to the tradition, are sattvic. Offerings made in order to attain a result, with much pomp and ostentation, are rajasic. Offerings made carelessly, without faith or any adherence to what is right, without food or mantras or gifts, are tamasic.
“Worship of the gods, the wise, the teachers, and the liberated, as well as cleanliness, virtue, continence and nonviolence—these are true penance for the body. Words that cause no unease, which are truthful, pleasant, and wholesome, along with the recitation of sacred scriptures—these are true penance for the tongue. True penance for the mind consists of tranquility, benevolence, quietness, restraint, and purity of intention. These three disciplines, when followed and practiced with faith, are sattvic in nature. Penance which is undertaken to win fame, respect, or worship is rajasic. Penance which tortures the body and is misguided by false notions is considered tamasic.
“A gift given only with the thought ‘this ought to be given,’ to a righteous person who has done you no prior service, at the right place and time, is truly a sattvic gift. A gift given in exchange, with an eye toward gaining something, is a rajasic gift. And a gift given contemptuously, at the wrong place and in the wrong time to an unworthy person, is a tamasic gift. Offer up everything with the words ‘Om Tat Sat’ and be at peace.”
Then Arjuna, still unconscious of time, asked the Blessed One,
“What is the true nature of renunciation? I have often heard sages say to give up this or that action, or to give up the world. Yet you have always urged me to take action, and in the same breath urged renunciation. Please, explain this once more, so that I can fully understand you.”
Krishna smiled upon his friend.
“Renunciation is of two types: the abandonment of actions born of desire, and the abandonment of the fruit of actions. Some sages say that all action is to be abandoned, since all action entangles one in the net of karma. Others say that actions such as sacrifice, charity, and discipline are not to be abandoned. This, then, is my opinion, since you have requested it: It is not possible for embodied beings ever to abandon action. Therefore acts of sacrifice, charity, and austerity should always be performed, but without any attachment to the fruits of those actions. Do you see, Arjuna? It is not right to renounce the actions which you were born here to perform. To abandon action because of ignorance is tamasic, and to abandon action merely because the thing to be done is difficult, or out of fear, is rajasic. But to act out of duty, and without desire for any result, is sattvic. This is true renunciation, Arjuna. The wise one neither hates disagreeable, inauspicious action, nor is he attached to agreeable, auspicious action. The reactions arising from the actions of those who act with attachment to results are threefold—good, evil, and mixed—but for the actions of those who act without desire for results there is no reaction.
“All actions arise from the faculties of the senses, from the mind, from speech, from the body’s various organs, and not from the self within. Therefore you yourself are never the doer of any action. With your mind unclouded by ego, your intellect cleared of doubt, even if you slay these people you will kill no one, and no reaction will attach to you. Action is impelled by knowledge, by knowing, and by the knower. The instrument, the doer, and the action itself constitute the action. All are subject to the qualities.
“That knowledge which allows one to perceive the eternal Supreme Reality in all beings is sattvic knowledge. That knowledge which differentiates between beings based on quality and kind is rajasic. That knowledge which is purposeless and sees but little is tamasic. The action which is appropriate and done without attachment, without desire or hatred, which comes easily, is sattvic action. That action which is impelled by desire for fruits, with great effort, is rajasic. That action which is motivated by delusion, and which is done with total disregard for consequences to oneself and to others, is a tamasic action. The doer who is without attachments and untroubled by success or failure is sattvic. The doer who is driven by desire, who is greedy and acts violently, who experiences joy and sorrow, is rajasic. The doer who is obstinate, insolent, lazy, and in all ways deluded is tamasic. For the intellect too is threefold—that intellect which knows intuitively when to act and when not to act, what to do and what not to do, what to avoid and what to embrace, and understands the nature of bondage and liberation, is a sattvic intellect, but the intellect which is confused regarding these things is rajasic, and the wholly corrupted intellect which deems wrong to be right is laden with tamas.
“Holding firmly to yoga is sattvic; holding firmly to dharma, pleasure, and profit is rajasic; holding firmly to one's darkness, fear, depression, and pride is perverse and tamasic. That which seems to be poison in the beginning but in the end turns to nectar is sattvic. That which seems to be nectar in the beginning but then turns to poison is rajasic. And that which is always poisonous is tamasic. Yes, there is no being in all the worlds who is free from the influence of these qualities, for they are inherent in nature. All the duties of the castes have been determined by these qualities, for in each being the qualities of nature manifest and determine that being’s dharma. By devotion to one’s own duty one attains the ultimate goal. By doing that which is proper according to your society, your family, your profession, and your inner inclination, all the while surrendering any desire for the fruits of what you do as an offering to God, you will find fulfillment. Better one’s own duty, however imperfect, than the duty of another. All undertakings are clouded by evil consequences, like fire by smoke, and so do not trouble yourself and act according to the role set out for you by your own intrinsic nature. With the intellect unattached, the mind restrained, without desire, renouncing all fruits, one reaches the greatest freedom.
“In this way you will reach me, Arjuna. One who proceeds with purified insight, firmly steadying the mind, abandoning the objects of the senses, throwing away desire and aversion, dwelling in seclusion, eating a little, remaining measured and deliberate in speech, body, and mind, practicing meditation and taking refuge in impartiality, giving up the sense of ‘I’ and ‘mine,’ surrendering strength and pride, lust, anger, and property, establishing himself in selflessness and tranquility, is ready to merge in Brahman. Once absorbed in Brahman the serene self neither mourns nor rejoices and, seeing the same radiance in all beings, becomes entirely devoted to me. By means of devotion that one realizes me as I truly am and then enters me at once. Even while engaged in all actions, such a person whose sole support is myself, goes to the eternal. So inwardly offering up all actions to me, devoted to me, resorting to the yoga of clear insight, think always of me. With your mind ever resting in me you will pass over all difficulties by my grace. But if you remain deluded and do not listen, then you will be lost. If, filled with arrogance, you think, ‘I will not fight,’ you will still fight, in this war or another, for your inherent nature will compel you. You will remain bound by your nature, and by your karma, and you will do even that which you do not wish to do.
“Arjuna, God resides in the heart of all beings, causing all beings to spin on the wheel of causality by the power of enchantment. Go to Him for shelter! Fly to Him with your whole being and by His grace you will find everlasting peace and the blissful abode.
“Now I have told you all you need to hear. All the secret knowledge I have revealed. Contemplate it fully, and then do as you like. I love you, and all I have said is for your greatest good. Rest your mind on me, devote yourself to me, sacrifice to me, bow down to me, and by this path come to me. It will be so, I promise, for I am very fond of you. Abandon all dharma and surrender to me alone. I will free you from all evils and I will liberate you. Do not grieve.
“And do not speak of what I have told you to one who is without discipline, without devotion, who does no service for others, nor to one who does not want to listen nor to one who slanders me. In the days to come those who share what I have taught with sincerity and devotion will be my servants, and be most pleasing to me, and the study of my words will be the wisdom-sacrifice—this is my belief. And even those who but listen to my words, with hearts full of faith, will be liberated.
“Have you listened, Arjuna? Have your doubts been lifted?”
Arjuna stood up, and in standing his body returned to the world. But it was not the same world as before.
“Krishna,” he said, “my confusion is gone. I see clearly now, and my doubts are destroyed. Yes, I will do as you say.”
Then Arjuna picked up his bow, and lifted his conch to his lips, and blew a loud blast.
Dhritarashtra and Gandhari sat as they always did, surrounded by darkness. For the queen, who had once, unlike her husband, known the world with her eyes, that perpetual darkness had never become entirely familiar. In sleep she still dreamed a world full of sights and colors, faces and distances. But while awake she saw only this nothing, this all-encompassing dark. It oppressed her, weighed her down, held her in a tight containment. Yet at the same time it was a refuge. It hid the world from her, and hid her from the world. It was her armor, and her chains.
Now more than ever before she wanted to retreat deep into it, to bury herself in the dark. She wanted to sink, to hide, to cover up. To disappear.
If all of us were blind, she thought, then how could a war be fought? But then, we are all blind in our hearts. We love only a few, not all the world, and so our love blinds us and makes us choose against the good of all.
Outside the walls of the sabha and the walls of the city, on the plain of Kurukshetra, her sons were about to run roaring into the mouth of death. She could feel them out there, far away and yet ever near, waiting for the conch to sound and the battle to begin.
She felt the weight of the stones of the ancient palace pressing in from all sides, and from the Earth and sky the weight of lineage, of history, of all the dead ancestors whose bodies were now ash and smoke.
Perhaps, if this is the war of dharma they say it is, then the shining gods themselves have come down from the heavens to watch. To watch the bloodletting and drink it up with their eyes.
She listened as Sanjaya, seeing into the far off field with the divine sight of Vyasa, described the long held breath of the two armies as Arjuna and Krishna stood between them speaking in hushed voices. What Krishna said tugged at cords deep within her being, yet she could not listen. Whenever she tried her mind at once returned to the thought of her sons, her hundred beloved sons, standing in their chariots waiting for Arjuna to rise up and blow his conch. She could feel, through all the stone and distance, Duryodhana’s impatience like hot needles. She could feel Dushasana’s bluster, and the cold core of fear buried beneath it. She could feel all her sons out there, as if subtle threads still connected them to her body.
Then it came, loud enough to reach through the walls and into the sabha, into the ears of the blind and fearful king and queen: the long wail of Arjuna’s conch. Others joined it, and trumpets and kettledrums—a riot of sound that washed over the land and the city and the palace, over milky Ganga and on and on to the very ends of the Earth, to the hems of the Goddess’s far-reaching garment.
Gandhari felt Dhritarashtra fumbling for her hand, and she gave it to him. He held it tightly, almost crushing her fingers.
They felt the stone floor beneath them vibrate.
“The armies are charging toward each other,” said Sanjaya. “I see them—the chariots rolling, the men running, the elephants stampeding! They look like two oceans about to break against one another.”
“The ground trembles,” said Dhritarashtra. “The Earth is shivering with fear.”
“Not fear,” said Gandhari. “She is thirsty for blood. She is shaking with anticipation.”
“Not fear,” said Gandhari. “She is thirsty for blood. She is shaking with anticipation.”
Wow.